Trevor E. S. Smith | Unforgiveness, teamwork, and the price we pay

Anna and June are technically teammates. However, not in reality. The situation is so bad that Anna waits until June leaves her workstation to place a note on her desk instead of communicating directly with her.

 

Unforgiveness – The Performance Inhibitor

Organisations invest time and money in productivity-enhancement initiatives. At the same time, those efforts are being undermined by resistant strains of unforgiveness that have taken root in their teams and across teams.

We would be stunned if the cost of unforgiveness were to be fully identified and documented.

 

The Price of Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness uses recurrent billing. We keep paying the price over and over. Clinical psychologist Everett Worthington Jr has found that people who won’t forgive wrongs tend to have negative indicators of health and well-being: more stress-related disorders, lower immune-system function, and worse rates of cardiovascular disease than the population as a whole.

In effect, by failing to forgive they punish themselves!

In contrast, people who forgive, Worthington finds, may have better health, fewer episodes of clinical depression, longer marriages and better ‘social support’, another indicator of well-being.

In effect then, forgiveness is like a wonder drug!

The Mayo Clinic advises that when you don’t practise forgiveness, you may be the one who pays most dearly.

 

Hidden Costs of Unforgiveness

Personal health risks aside, the negative impacts of unforgiveness are so wide and far-reaching as to boggle the mind.

Unresolved conflict impacts rational thinking, giving our emotions the upper hand.

When we hand over control to our feelings, bad things can come into play. Physical violence is one result, as evidenced by the plague of domestic violence and reprisal killings.

Throw in the trauma from such incidents, plus the pressure on health services, law enforcement and the justice system, and we uncover yet another series of ways in which we pay for unforgiveness.

 

The Anatomy of Unforgiveness

Unforgiveness has origins that are often so clouded and difficult to identify that many times we find ourselves wondering how we ever got to this stage.

“I don’t know why or what caused it. I just know that we don’t speak to that side of the family.”

Something happens – words spoken or unspoken; an accusation; a denial or betrayal; wrong facial expression or gesture; wrong alliance, etc.

We take offence. The more significant the perpetrator is in our lives, the greater the hurt. We seem to have an internal index as to how to weigh hurts.

The source and weight of the perceived hurt goes into another calculation that determines the duration of the unforgiveness.

“But it takes time ...” (x/y)+(axb) = three years.

 

Deepen root or Uproot?

How we perceive and process incidents determine whether we will end up in unforgiveness.

When the incident takes place, our level of hurt is miniscule as compared to later. Once we ruminate on it and replay what it means, and the attendant implications, the root deepens.

We share with our friend. She goes ballistic. The cycle escalates. We nurture robust, unmovable unforgiveness.

That strain of unforgiveness is no longer restricted to the perpetrator. We view people with suspicion, and anyone or any situation that has any similarity prompts an angry response. In fact, we can become bitter, stifle our joy, and develop antisocial habits.

 

A Mega Question – Who Decides, and Why?

A major issue that we need to confront is the fact that we respond differently to similar scenarios.

Your little child slaps your face in a tiff, and a colleague puts his hand on you in an argument.

Mother says the most hurtful things to you and the madman says the same things word for word.

Do we treat those things the same way? If not, why not? In the final analysis, we cannot escape the fact it is a choice that we make. No matter how compelling the reasons we put forward.

 

My Keys To Forgiveness #1: Return to childhood

Most lingering hurts are caused by people that are close to us.

Learn from our little ones and let the relationship overshadow everything else. Kids might get upset while at play. They cry briefly but get back into the game quickly. They recognise that there is more joy in playing than crying.

If the relationship matters – let that drive your thoughts and your actions.

 

My Keys To Forgiveness #2: Adjust Your Processing Of Events

If you don’t plant it, it cannot grow!

It is in your hand to decide whether this perceived hurt is going to take root as unforgiveness or not.

That decision is best made the instant the incident takes place. Once the reflections, rumination and ramping-up sets in, forgiveness becomes more challenging.

Learn to process and file things differently – you have the power to choose! Child or colleague, madman or mother – you decide.

 

My Keys To Forgiveness #3: Be Selfish! Forgive!

We know from the Lord’s Prayer that God demands forgiveness of us. Don’t put distance between you and God as well as your adversary. Don’t put your spiritual walk at risk.

Take care of your health. While you are inviting debilitating diseases, your ‘enemy’ is on the beach.

Don’t give the perpetrator control over your mood and your joy. If they dominate your thoughts and produce anger, sadness and a sense of ‘victimhood’, then this hurt will be greater and more lasting than the original one.

Be selfish – forgive them for your benefit!

We see the impact of malice on teams, so we have developed a 90-day high-performance boost for teams. More here: https://successwithpeople.org/teambuilding

- Trevor E. S. Smith with the Success with People Academy. We guide the development of high-performance teams. We are interpersonal relations, group dynamics and performance-enhancement specialists. We provide learning and productivity-enhancement technology solutions. We offer behavioural assessments from Extended DISC, sales and sports competence assessments on the FinxS platform and e-competency frameworks and e-onboarding solutions in our SPIKE technology platform. Email: info@successwithpeople.org or outlook@gleanerjm.com