What are men made of?

Heather Little-White, PhD, Contributor

Today, being Father's Day, you may be celebrating the men in your lives - be it father, husband, grandfather, uncle or brother - heaping encomiums on them in several tangible ways. The day also celebrates fatherhood, but very often, many persons have little knowledge of what men are made despite the macho image they put on in everyday life.

John Gray, in his book, Men are Mars and Women from Venus, provided amplification of the different natures of men and women and how they play out in relationships helping partners to appreciate these differences and cease expecting each other to act and feel the way they do.

Recognition important

Men thrive on recognition and they love when they are praised and shown appreciation for their abilities and the contribution they make to the lives of others. On the contrary, because men do not rate emotions and feelings highly, they do not praise and are not overly expressive in the appreciation for the women in their lives, be it spouse, daughter, granddaughter, sister or niece.

Single-handed approach

Unlike women who value assistance and teamwork with interactive communications, men like to work on their own, and exercise their abilities by solving problems quickly and single-handedly. Men value solutions and view unsolicited assistance as undermining their effort to solve problems alone. Men feel validated and gratified when they are left to sort things out by themselves, and feel undermined by being offered sympathy or unsolicited assistance. Men enjoy tackling problems within their abilities as it implies a vote of confidence in his abilities. In the spirit of being recognised, men desire that their solutions will be appreciated.

Non-communicative

When faced with challenging situations, men will retreat and become non-communicative so they can work out solutions and demonstrate that they have the ability to solve challenges without interference, especially from their women. When men do communicate, they like to get to the point quickly, and generally only want to listen if they feel the conversation has a valid point. This is unlike women who enjoy talking for its own sake and are happy to listen unconditionally.

Instinctive behaviour

A man's instinct is to look after his own needs, even if it means sacrificing others, contrary to the maternal instinct which make women look after others, often at great personal sacrifice. In a relationship, a man has to learn how to care for his partner rather than sacrificing her needs in favour of his own.

This has to be worked at because if either partner feels his or her efforts towards the relationship are not pleasing to their partner, they may feel hurt and decide to revert to their instinctive behaviour. Unfortunately, this then causes the other partner to do the same, and the relationship continues to deteriorate. In a relationship, both must remember to appreciate, accept, and forgive the other party, and avoid blaming them when they fail.

Different Languages

Men talk in very practical, literal terms for the purpose of conveying information but not necessarily to relate their feelings. This is in total contradiction to women who talk to express their feelings through artistic and dramatic vocabulary.

Before men communicate, they like to sort our their thoughts before expressing them and may become distant and non-communicative as they ponder their concerns. For women, they sort out their thoughts during the process of communi-cating them pouring out a litany of grievances and they tend to blame their partners for what they are experiencing.

Unapproachable

Men like to be self-sufficient in providing for their households as is necessary but when that self-sufficiency is becoming threatened, they become unapproachable, retreat and refuse to express their feelings. However, according to Gray, if their women understand them and give them some space, they will soon feel better and spring back into their usual loving selves. One of the things that women cannot understand about men is their ability to bounce back after a sudden period of solitude and non-communication. Women should resist the temptation to try to drag their partners back prematurely or criticise them over this natural behaviour of withdrawal.

Time to be free

Men demand the right for 'free time' so when they come back to their partners, they can better spend time listening to their women who like to be heard. If a man's periodic need to be free coincides with a woman's need to be heard, the best solution is for the woman to be heard by her friends until men are ready to listen.

Getting emotional

Men put on a tough personality on the exterior which seem to be the norm but they do get 'soft' at times to the point of crying. This should not be frowned on as men, like women, need to express their emotions. If a man feels that his expression of emotions will lead to disapproval, he will get defensive and bottle up which may manifest itself in negative forms such as depression and maybe suicide.

Failure to apologise

When men make mistakes, they become frustrated and angry, and are best left alone until they calm down. Even when they know the other person is hurting, they fail to apologise as they consider it an admission of guilt. This explains why men are generally much less willing to apologise than women.

Sometimes people prefer to evade arguments instead of engaging in them. Men tend to do so by withdrawing inside themselves and refusing to talk. Women often just pretend that the disagreement has been forgotten. The result is a cold peace because the issues continue to fester unresolved.

Communicating difficult feelings

To stop communication degenerating into arguments, men should strive to listen without getting defensive, and women should try to express their feelings without criticising their partners. As conflicts arise in a union, there are often unresolved negative feelings which, if not expressed, can lead to addictive or compulsive behaviours such as smoking and drinking. Men will resort to anger, ego, or bury themselves in their work to avoid dealing with the negative issues. When negative feelings are not expressed, they fester and arise again until resolved through constructive communication techniques.

When engaged in an argument, men use strong and aggressive words to ensure that they win the argument, and women are frequently forced to back down in the face of the determination and aggression. Men then feel that they have won the argument, but it is a hollow victory as their partners have not changed their views, but merely buried them in order to avoid an ever-escalating and sometimes violent conflict.

Giving freely

Gray suggests that men should try to identify various little ways to give to their partners without waiting to be asked first, and should avoid the mistake of assuming their partners are happy giving to them and not asking for anything back. Men often say that they do not have to give much since their women often appear to be happy. Men should try to listen lovingly and respectfully to women's feelings, giving the little things that show appreciation. Women should try to express their feelings in a loving and respectful manner. If men give, and women appreciated, both end up feeling happy.