Dementia and a family’s unhealed wound

WESTERN BUREAU:

On the morning of November 5, 2005, Janice’s mother, diagnosed with early-stage Alzheimer’s, walked away from home and disappeared, much to the distress of the six surviving of her seven children.

“When we left the house that morning, she (her mother) was there with my nephew. The helper should have come at about the time we were leaving shortly before 9:00 a.m., but she did not come until about 10:00 a.m.,” said Janice. “When the helper got there, my nephew was sleeping, and my mother was missing.”

A motorist, familiar with the family, called one of Janice’s sisters to report seeing her mother walking along the main road, something he found unusual.

“He thought it was strange and wanted to alert us,” Janice said. “We sent my nephew to look for her, but when he arrived at the spot where she had been seen, she was already gone. And she’s never been seen again.”

Janice can’t recall exactly when her mother first began showing signs of dementia, but she remembers that in the early mornings and at nightfall, her mother would often say, “It’s time for me to go home.” When asked which home she meant, she would respond, “Madras, in St Ann,” her original hometown.

Early stages

“In the early stages, we took her to the doctor, but while the doctor said her condition could not be cured, he gave her medication to keep her calm,” the marketer told The Sunday Gleaner. “She did not like one of the medications because she said it make her feel weird as if she was going to die.”

Though her mother didn’t struggle to recognise her immediate family, she gradually began forgetting her grandchildren.

“We also noticed that while she remembered things that happened long ago quite clearly, she was not remembering recent things,” said Janice.

The disappearance has weighed heavily on the family over the years. Some relatives still find it too painful to talk about, and even after two decades, two days remain especially difficult – Mother’s Day and her mother’s birthday.

“It is not something that we talk about. Even Mother’s Day is not the same. None of us care about it. While I have become a mother, I don’t care for Mother’s Day because it brings out too much pain,” she said. “Her birthday is the same. We try to remember her birthday, but we don’t go deep into remembering it because it is a wound that never heals.”

As the years pass, Janice is convinced her mother, now 83, has passed away, but she can’t shake the image of what she might look like today. Every time she’s out, she’s on the lookout, hoping to spot her mother’s face in the crowd.

“We have thought about just declaring her dead and possibly keeping a funeral to bring closure, but I just cannot bring myself to do that, because I am still not yet ready to let go,” she said. “Today I was watching Auntie Donna programme, she was on the street talking to street people. One of the ladies told her, ‘Me name Tats ... Tats … Tats.’ I look on the lady, and me look on the lady. And it’s like my brain wanted to tell me that she looks like mother, me say, no, no, my mother would be older than that now. So you never get over it. You’re always on the constant lookout.”

Before her mother’s dementia, Janice remembers her as a devoted, hardworking parent who gave everything for her children. With a father who showed little interest in their well-being, her mother took on the full responsibility of raising seven children, working domestic jobs to make ends meet, and stretching every dollar to provide for their needs.

“I only remember my mother washing clothes, getting whitlow (a kind of sore around her fingernail) but she never stopped washing because she needed the money to feed us and send us to school,” said Janice. “She joined a partner and she got her draw once a year. It was that money that buy our uniform, schoolbooks and shoes. My mother was always there for us, the only places that I see her go is church and supermarket.

“I know that everybody will say their mother is the best mother, but when I look back at the struggles my mother went through for her children, I have every good reason to say my mother was the best mother of all the mothers out there.”

While she’s slowly coming to terms with the reality that her mother isn’t coming back, Janice hopes that sharing her story will help others understand the devastating impact of dementia on a family. The stress, the distress, and the constant ache of uncertainty are pains that never truly fade.

“Me still have her clothes. Me save piece of her hair. Me save that to this day because me say, maybe me can get DNA to prove something one day,” said Janice, who has seemingly refused to give up all hope.

“Some of my siblings cannot bear to talk about my mother’s struggles with dementia because it is too difficult for them, but I have decided to speak because in doing so, it is a way of honouring my mother’s memory, and in doing so, hopefully I will be able to bring some amount of comfort to other families, who might be going through their own dementia struggles.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: For privacy reasons, the family name and the exact home community have been omitted.

adrian.frater@gleanerjm.com